Posted by: nedlnthred | July 3, 2015



USAToday photo

USAToday photo

This week has brought to me, once again, that feeling that Love Wins! for everyone except me.  Even my current love is in love with someone else.  Since the tangled emotional storms of high school, it continues to astonish me that anyone ever manages to find someone who is a good fit who loves them back.

And yet, they are everywhere in my life.  A bridal shower for two people I adore.  Another friend moving in with her first real love.  The loving sympathy and helplessness of a bff watching my heart break and knowing she can’t do much, from her home with the Absolute Right Person for Her.  The weekend at the shore where the only uncoupled person there was myself, the hostess.  My brother and his wife, a team now for 21 years, and still going strong.  My parents, a bumpier team, but 53 years on.  A friend of mine in Michigan, now able to carry on his plans to wed his lover of ten (12?) years. And Julie, determined to see me happily settled, like some gracious (albeit much younger) titled aunt in an Austen novel.

549334_10206799896626414_3834397679982153565_nThe gentleman and I had a conversation recently about life.  No regrets, we agreed.  Save one for me.  Two-parter, really: that I have not been able to find a person with whom to establish a partnership of strength and grace, strong enough to last our lives.  And I have not been able to create my fantasy of a loving, chaotic, creative, and intelligent family.  Beyond the really terrific and mostly-satisfying one I have created with my friends.

12031560_10207445062582830_1264752013692476608_oIt is not for lack of trying.  I have put myself out there.  Been emotionally open, even when it was difficult, ready, watching, but game.  This year has been especially frustrating.  In the last 7 months not one, but two of the most interesting and welcome prospects I have had possibly ever, have returned to my sphere.  Only to disappear again with bang and fizzle, like wet gunpowder.  That smoke you saw was my bewilderment at being left behind again, despite every warm look, touch, word.

Such fine lines: being open yet not exposing one’s self to unnecessary pain.  (What is “unnecessary pain”, anyway?  Items preventable by Logic?  Common sense?  Self-protection?  Equal parts of each, like the spirits, wine, and fruit in sangria, I suppose.)  Accepting someone at his word, that he is heart-whole and has affection to spare.  That a partnership even interests him or he has the emotional energy, separate from his other commitments, to offer to a lover.

20150528_212008And this round, the part that was hardest for me was *my* emotional presence.  So many incidents brushed off or left hanging when I truly cared has left me expecting the cut even when I’m receiving the caress.  The detritus of heartbreaks and disappointments has rusted the hinges of my heart.  I can no longer open it as widely or as quickly.  Or without squeaky, grating noises internally.

Which sends me back out into the wider pool again.  It’s just not a pool I’m interested in much.  The people like Satellites Guy and Writer Dude who have wide ranging interests, are fucking intellectually brilliant and curious, have huge hearts, are cuddly and have a huge zest for life *and to whom I am attracted* are few and far between.  I haven’t met that many of them, and don’t really expect to.  So.  Damn.  Frustrating.  Why not one for me, hey universe?


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